I’m honestly not sure why I decided to do this. I’m inclined to say that no one in their right mind would willingly listen to an entire album by the artist which I’m bringing to you this week, but I did it.

            Not only did I listen to One Direction’s most recent album “Up All Night” in its entirety, I actually ended up listening to some of it twice. I’m fairly certain that according to certain state laws, this qualifies as a form of self-inflicted cruel and unusual punishment. But nonetheless, for your benefit, reader, I dove head first into the neon pink shark-infested waters of this infernal and now inescapable British boy band.

            One Direction has been getting increasingly popular in the states as of late through a great deal of online exposure, but they’ve been known in the UK since their debut on the British TV series “The X Factor” on which they were formed.

            The group came in third during the competition’s seventh season, and as a result, were signed to Syco records, allowing them to be released upon the unsuspecting world, including yours truly, who discovered them one fateful day a few weeks ago via one of those unskippable YouTube ads which I’m sure you’ve all grown to loath.

            In a lot of ways, One Direction’s music is something we’ve all heard before. The album starts off with the exceedingly Jonas Brothers-y “What Makes You Beautiful,” which does an excellent job of filling in all of the boxes for how to be a successful boy band. Only three chords for the entirety of the song? Check. Innocent and cutesy? Check. Aimed at a nonspecific love interest to serve as a stand-in for the listener? Check. Infuriatingly catchy? Checkola.

            The song’s writers (what, did you think that these guys wrote their own music or something? No, no, that’s for talented bands) certainly did a fantastic job of putting together a song that hits every single stereotypical songwriting tactic for appealing to the tween girl demographic.

            But while this may make the song marketable, it certainly doesn’t do a good job of making it vaguely tolerable to listen to. To be honest, the only idiosyncratic thing I noticed about this song is the fact that, in the video, nearly all of the members have really awful hair. If you’re going to be in a boy band, isn’t that the one thing you should at least get right? But I digress.

            The rest of the songs on the album similarly follow the standard boy band archetypes that anyone born in the ‘90s or earlier is probably familiar with. For example, you’ve got the “Oh no, I messed up and did something nonspecifically bad to you but I promise not to do it again” cliché (on that note, what did you do? Shoot her puppy? Photoshop her head onto a picture of Rick Ross? We want details!) in the form of the song “It’s Gotta Be You.”

            The rest of the track list includes several more generic tween love songs, “More Than This” (which is, lyrically, just a really bad version of “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers) and various others of equally lackluster quality.

            That said, the song which really puts this album over the top is probably “Tell Me a Lie.” Maybe it’s just my distaste for that particular dubstep-style synth setting popping up again, but the combination of the infuriatingly annoying vocals and the fact that it uncannily sounds like five guys doing a Katy Perry song with borrowed LMFAO synth made this the hardest song on the album to listen through all the way. And believe me, readers, that’s saying something.

            Being a boy band and all, we can pretty safely assume that given another year or two, we’ll have seen the last of this group until one of them ends up shooting a prostitute or caught in some Colombian drug smuggling ring or something. Until that day, we can just be thankful that we haven’t been dealing with them since 2010 like our friends across the pond have.

One out of Five Stars

            I’ve listened to a fair amount of bad music in my day, from fiercely mediocre skinny-jeaned metalcore to the omnipresent dubstep craze (which refuses to die) or even Rebecca Black’s “Friday.”

            While I’ve managed to avoid hearing most of the talent-deficient acts the music industry offers up with discouraging frequency, one band seems to have made it their personal mission to torment me with their inexplicably popular brain-dead electronica, featuring some of the most irritatingly catchy synth riffs I’ve heard in my life. As you have probably surmised by this point, I’m talking about LMFAO.

            For the incredibly lucky among you who have never heard of LMFAO, they rose to their current level of popularity with the song “Party Rock Anthem” in 2011 and have maintained a vice-like grip on the Billboard Top 200 ever since. Normally, I’d be inclined to critique a more recent album, but given the fact that “Sorry for Party Rocking” still has two songs in the Billboard Hot 100 and given how astoundingly bad it is, I couldn't resist giving it a deserved thrashing.

            The album starts off with the track “Rock The Beat II,” which predominantly features one of the worst elements of the band, the cherry of annoyance on their sundae of atrociousness, if you will. That would be the shrieking, repetitive, horribly mixed synth.

            As a big fan of various gothic and industrial acts, I’m not always opposed to synth-based music, but the way LMFAO uses it just makes their already bad music even worse. The combination of stereotypical “wub wub wub” dubstep bits and the occasional extremely high-pitched synth lead gives one the uncanny sensation of being hit repeatedly in the head with a large blunt object. So if you don’t have a headache when you start listening to the album, expect to have one by the end.

            The intro track is followed by the three most widely known songs from the album: “Sorry for Party Rocking,” “Party Rock Anthem” and “Sexy and I Know It.” It would be easy to discuss the vapid lyrics in these tracks (which seem like they were written by a high school student or some sort of troglodytic hermit whose only exposure to the outside world had been through watching recent MTV), but that would accomplish little.

            Given the proclivity of most pop acts to have bad lyrics, it would seem like beating a dead horse to dock too many points from LMFAO for this particular flaw. However, “Party Rock Anthem” and “Sexy and I Know it” provide great examples of what is arguably the band’s most insufferable problem: endless repetition.

            Both of these songs have a melody which is repeated over and over until they crawl under your skin and into your brain like those beetles from “The Mummy” and never leave. This problem is especially evident in “Sexy and I Know It” where the same melody is more or less repeated for the song’s entire three-minute and 15-second duration.

            Did these guys not know that “The Song That Never Ends” and “The Song That Gets on Everybody’s Nerves” were meant to be irritating? Even if these were solid melodies (P.S.: they aren’t) being repeated over and over, there is practically nothing which can be redundant without becoming annoying.

            While bad pop is more or less the norm nowadays and most of it can be ignored without much of an issue, certain albums are just so abrasively, mind-numbingly horrible that they manage to stand out. For any of you who, upon reading this, are considering subjecting yourself to this album the whole way through, I strongly urge you not to. It’s awful and I know it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go wash my brain out with a combination of bleach and the latest single from Massakren.

.5 Out of Five Stars

            Over the past few years, Eluveitie has become one of the most successful bands in the folk metal genre with their unique combination of Celtic folk music and Gothenburg-style melodic death metal. After becoming quite popular in the European metal scene, the Switzerland-based group is starting to break out in America, having already done two headlining tours in the U.S.

            That said, their last album, the 2010 release “Everything Remains (As It Never Was),” put their staying power in question. Many of the Gothenburg-style riffs felt recycled and familiar and while I enjoyed the album, certain songs made me think that the band might have slowly been running out of ideas. Luckily, with their new release “Helvetios,” Eluveitie has proven me wrong, at least for the most part.

            The album starts with a somber track featuring a spoken word section from a narrator, which introduces the concept of the album. While Eluveitie has revisited a fair number of themes over their career, this is their first concept album, dealing with the initial wars between the Romans and the Gauls.

            This leads into the first track, “Helvetios,” a proud and epic piece introducing the listeners to the Gallic people and getting the album’s energy up after a relatively slow opener. This song, along with others, showcases how stunningly well-executed the Celtic melodies are in Eluveitie’s songs.

            The instrumentals are great and the flutes and violins carry terrific emotion. The first track also establishes that the band is capable of going in different directions with their riffs, with many seeming almost reminiscent of metalcore bands like Killswitch Engage. While I’m generally very quick to call out metalcore as being watered-down pop metal, the core-ish riffs on this album work surprisingly well; they show that guitarists Ivo Henzi and Simeon Koch can in fact do more than recycle the same “At the Gates” style riffs over and over again.

            The next song, “Luxtos,” starts a precedent for this album of having sung choruses, which works extremely well from both an aesthetic and musical standpoint. It really gives the powerful feel of the whole Gallic army singing these songs about fighting off the Romans.

            Anna Murphy (female vocalist and hurdy-gurdy player) is put to great use on this album, providing lead vocals on the rather gothic metal track “A Rose for Epona” and supporting vocals on many of the other tracks. The band also seems to have recognized that Murphy has an awesome scream; she does it on two songs on this album (“Meet The Enemy” and “The Siege”) while in the past she’s only screamed in one song. This is a fantastic decision on Eluveitie’s part and I hope to hear her vocals used to such effect on future releases from the group.

            Despite how good this album is, there are a few minor weak points to consider. A few of the tracks (“Uxellodunon,” notably) feel like needless retreads of old musical ground. It’s encouraging to see that this isn’t true for the majority of the album, but it would be nice if they avoided it more thoroughly in later releases.

            Overall, this is probably the best album Eluveitie has done since 2008’s “Slania” and definitely a step in the right direction for the band. With songs like “Havoc,” “A Rose for Epona,” “The Siege” and “Meet the Enemy,” they’ve proven that they’re fully capable of adapting and evolving to avoid musical stagnation.

Four out of Five Stars

          Since the band’s formation in 1996, Nightwish has been one of the most consistently popular and influential symphonic metal bands in the world. With their trademark sound of heavy guitars mixed with operatic vocals, orchestration and numerous keyboard parts, Nightwish became immensely popular among metalheads across the world, particularly in their native Finland.

          In 2005, however, their singer Tarja Turunen left the band and their future became much less certain. They replaced Turunen with Swedish vocalist Anette Olzon and in 2007 released the album “Dark Passion Play,” but it did not live up to the expectations of many fans.

          Because of this, as hype started to build for their album “Imaginaerum,” I was skeptical to say the least. While I liked “Dark Passion Play,” it was certainly a hit-or-miss album with many weak moments in addition to its good ones, and I assumed this one would be at least as weak if not more so. I am very glad to say, dear readers, that I was one hundred percent wrong.

          The album starts off with the track “Taikatalvi,” a quiet acoustic song sung entirely in Finnish by male singer and bassist Marco Hietala. This is one of the first moments that I noticed that we’re dealing with a more refined Nightwish here. This is the first introduction of this kind the band has done, and it sounds nothing like any of their previous work. It sets the atmosphere for the album with its very soundtrack-like use of orchestration and choirs in the background supporting the singer, and builds fantastically into the album’s title track.

          “Imaginaerum” takes the momentum built up by the first track and runs with it at an energetic and tense pace with a chorus you’ll have stuck in your head in no time. Lyrically, this song, like many of the others on the album, deals with the idea of innocence and the importance of imagination with many allusions to literary characters such as Peter Pan or Alice from “Alice in Wonderland.”

          This is also one of the many tracks on the album that shows why Nightwish is frequently referred to as “soundtrack metal.” While many symphonic metal bands are clearly taking their influence from composers such as Mozart or Beethoven, Nightwish’s primary songwriter and keyboardist Tuomas Holopainen is clearly taking his from modern movie composers such as Danny Elfman and Hans Zimmer. This gives their music a uniquely epic feel.

          “Imaginaerum” is also without a doubt the creepiest album that Nightwish has done to date. Songs like “Ghost River” and the delightfully nightmarish “Scaretale” would both be right at home in a Tim Burton movie, feature Olzon doing her craziest vocals yet and use a children’s chorus just for that extra dose of creepy.

          While I could go on naming great things about various songs, from the Celtic-influenced “I Want My Tears Back” or the doom metal-inspired “Rest Calm,” one song sticks out in particular, the monumentally surprising “Slow Love Slow.” This song, which is almost entirely non-metal, is done in the style of a 1930s-era American lounge song. It shouldn’t work in theory, but for some reason it does. The slow, dark stand-up bass line, reserved use of guitar and somehow ominous vocal melodies show that these guys can take on any musical style and make it their own, and do so exceedingly well. If you only listen to one song from this album, make it “Slow Love Slow.”

          That’s right, the metal reviewer’s favorite song on the album is the lounge track. Sue me. For anyone who likes metal or even anyone who likes movie soundtracks by composers like Danny Elfman, I cannot recommend this album highly enough. If Nightwish continues in this direction, then their reign in the heavy metal world will continue for many years to come.


Four and a Half Stars

            Power metal as a genre tends to be somewhat stuck in its ways. The traditional formula of an operatic male vocalist, somewhat neoclassical lead guitar parts, and machine-gun rhythm guitar riffs have served it well and many bands still play the traditional style without altering the formula much. That said, with their new album “Soulless Child,” Italian power metal band Ancient Bards have taken a unique approach to metal’s most epic subgenre, and by just making a few slight alterations to the formula, they've made an album which truly stands out.
            One of the first things that set Ancient Bards apart from their peers is that their singer, Sara Squadrani, is female. While this is by no means unheard of in power metal, the approach which she takes to singing these songs is definitely not the norm for female power metal vocalists.
            Generally, there have been two main archetypes which female power metal singers have followed, that being either singing in an extremely classical operatic style (e.g. Simone Simmons of Epica, Tarja Turunen formerly of Nightwish) or to basically sing like a pop singer. Sara, on the other hand, takes an approach more comparable to her male counterparts, channeling a great deal of power and aggression into the vocals without relying on an overly operatic style.
            Another thing which makes the band unique is their bassist Martino Garattoni. In a genre which since its inception has been full of simplistic bass parts which don’t add anything but support to the songs, Martino stands out. As soon as I heard the tapped bass solo in “To the Master of Darkness” (my favorite song on the album, for the record), I knew that this band was different. The technical complexity of the bass parts on this record is almost unheard of in the power metal genre and is a big part of what makes this album great.
            I’m sure what you’re wondering now is how the more traditional keyboard and guitar parts play into this. As this is power metal, one gets the usual movie score-type orchestral keyboard parts along with incredibly fast palm-muted guitar parts. While these are some of their less innovative elements, they’re done extremely well and it should be noted that their keyboard melodies do seem a bit more musically complex than those of many of their peers.
            While the rhythm guitar parts are adequate (nothing to write home about), it should be mentioned that the guitar solos on this album are some of the best I've heard on a power metal record in a while. Claudio Pietronik switches flawlessly from tapping to sweep-picking to full-on face-melting shred solos without skipping a beat in solos that would put many of his peers from more virtuosic subgenres to shame.
Some of the best moments on this album come from songs like the title track which feature outstanding guitar solos leading in to a keyboard solo, then back into guitar, wonderfully displaying just how proficient this band is at their chosen craft.
            If you enjoy symphonic metal or power metal of any kind, this is definitely an album you need to pick up ASAP. The musicianship displayed on “Soulless Child” is nothing short of masterful and anyone who loves lots of super-complex solos bouncing off one another is going to get a huge kick out of it. Although this is only their second album, I think it’s safe to say that Ancient Bards have a bright future ahead of them, and it will be very interesting to see what they come up with next.

Four out of Five Stars

         What are the first things that come to mind when you think about heavy metal music? I’ll give you a moment to consider. Are you done? Good. If you happened to come up with “Romania,” “Catholicism” “and “werewolves” as your answers, which I’m sure most of you did, then you’ll probably be intrigued by the band I’m reviewing this week: Powerwolf.
         Powerwolf has been around since 2003 spreading their unique brand of mildly gothic power metal. Their most recent album, “Blood of the Saints,” is possibly their best one yet, or at the very least the catchiest.
The album starts off the way anyone would expect a band like Powerwolf to begin an album — some good old-fashioned bombastic Latin chanting mixed with orchestral keys, pipe organ and militaristic drums. This leads into the awesome and hilariously titled “Sanctified with Dynamite.” The riffing on this song and on the album as a whole is kind of fantastic, and the tone of the guitars is really good.
         They also do a good job in this song and a few others of using the old, reliable “loud-quiet-loud” dynamic (in the case of this song: loud verse, quiet pre-chorus, loud chorus). This adds to the overall epic feel of their music which, combined with ridiculously catchy choruses, makes for a really fun listening experience.
         Powerwolf has gotten the whole catchy chorus thing down to a science, with each one being memorable and fun to sing along to. After a couple of listens, there’s no doubt that you’ll find yourself humming the choruses to “We Drink Your Blood” and “Murder at Midnight” whether you like it or not. The musicianship is good as well, with some great riffs, a couple of memorable guitar solos, and adequate drumming. But what really make this band unique are the keys and the vocals.
         The pipe organ-style keyboards throughout the album are done exceedingly well and add that extra layer of creepiness to every song. The vocals are mostly interesting because the singer has a rather gruff baritone voice as opposed to the usual high tenor voices with lots of falsetto that you generally find in power metal.
         Stylistically, the album is very power metal but with their usual gothic twinge. It feels sort of like if you mixed Sabaton with Cradle of Filth and then threw in some Iron Maiden riffs every now and then just to even things out. A few of their songs definitely rely on the gothic metal aspect a bit more. “Night of the Werewolves” has a Type O Negative vibe to it which adds a bit of variety to their usual style. The lyrics are their usual fare of werewolf lore mixed with bits of Catholic religious stuff here and there.
         It’s been questioned a lot whether the band is satanic or Catholic; the answer seems to be basically neither, as the various members of the band have equally varied religious beliefs. They mostly cover the Catholic aspect because they find it interesting and it makes for good lyrics rather than because of any direct support or opposition to the religion itself.
         This is probably the best work the band has put forth yet, and if you’re a fan of gothic metal, power metal, metal in general, or just want some good Halloween music, I’d definitely recommend them. One could question how they can keep this very peculiar thematic gimmick going much longer but they don’t seem to be deterred or out of ideas for awesomely cheesy werewolf-related lyrics, so I think it’s safe to say that Powerwolf is here to stay.

Four Out of Five Stars